ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
#Caturday
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
then why did i get this email
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here