Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro