help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
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[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Worst bar ever.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
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If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.