My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
You Might Also Like
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?