First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
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I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.