I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
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I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Beauty and the Beast
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit