The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
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HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
*Inspirational Tweets*
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?