i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
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All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
*feels the wind in my toe hair
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection