Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
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*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE