The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
You Might Also Like
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs