My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
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When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
BaD BoY!!
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours