Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.