Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
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If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth