*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
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I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
My new favorite headline
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?