Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
You Might Also Like
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
doing your own taxes
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes