Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
You Might Also Like
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Lol
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.