Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
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About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Boating season is upon us.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.