do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
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Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater