Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
#merica
Anyone else having a near life experience today?