Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
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Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
それは草
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.