*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
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my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*