My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
They grow up so quick
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?