You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
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Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
the composer
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”