Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*