I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
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Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”