Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
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My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.