I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus