My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
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What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Holy crap this is wonderful
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while