My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
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If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Netflix and you sit over there.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
*watches the world burn*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.