I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
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I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.