People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
fly smarter, not harder
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
pls suprot
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.