I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
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If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Pass gas, not judgment.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.