*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
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I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download