him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
BRO LMFAO
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there