Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
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How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon