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*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying