NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Cashiers are always checking me out