Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?