I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
You Might Also Like
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I’m about to risk it all
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE