dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
You Might Also Like
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.