[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
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I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?