My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
No, he would not have.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I like crazy people until they notice me
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.