[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
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Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
This classic never gets old . . .
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.