Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
You Might Also Like
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
s
oc
i
a
l
A new level of troll.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Botany good plants lately?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
how to have fun when you’re poor
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils