2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
You Might Also Like
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Not today. 😅
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Sooo many times…..
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read