(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
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I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse