Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
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My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.