My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
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you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.