If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
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“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees