3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
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Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here